Abigail

Grade: B-

Pyotr Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake has been in my head all day, since I watched Abigail. I forgot what a haunting, pretty piece it is. It’s well-used in Abigail, as a recurring theme, and when notes from it make their way into the score. I’m not spoiling anything not already in the trailer by saying the title character is a young girl (a ballerina, hence the Swan Lake through-line) who turns out to be a vampire. She’s had a few centuries to get really good at ballet, and act innocent. Critics have lamented that if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve pretty much seen the movie. That’s mostly true. 85% of the plot points are covered in the ads, but there’s some fun, campy, late-act developments. You need to be in a silly mood to appreciate Abigail.

The film opens with a group of kidnappers on their way to abduct Abigail. Apparently her father is extremely wealthy. We hear the figure $50,000,000 a few times, which divided by 6 or 7 equals a comfortable rest of your life. These are pros who have the kidnapping down to a science. My favorite bit of dialogue: “The father is 10 seconds from the front door. Should I take the shot?” “Negative, we’ll be out of here in 9.” They take her to a sprawling, remote estate in the middle of nowhere to meet up with the kingpin, played by Giancarlo Esposito (what a treasure he is). He shows up to give them (and us) the standard movie speech that lays out the premise. He instructs the team to hang out and babysit while he awaits the money exchange. In the meantime, don’t exchange any real names or personal information (he assigns them fake names, Reservoir Dogs style). Otherwise, “the bar, kitchen, and fireplaces are well-stocked, there are plenty of rooms to sleep, let me have your phones so you can’t be traced, and see you in 24 hours.”

After an hour of the setup for what most of us know is coming (vamping, if you will), and an ominous “I’m sorry about what’s gonna happen to you” from Abigail, we are off to the races. They ignore “safety in numbers” and split up, over and over. They do too much assuming that people are really dead. When a character does get their phone back, they don’t make the obvious call they should. Characters function too well after injuries.

But there is enjoyment to be had. The ensemble has a good time with each other. Melissa Barrera (Scream VI, In the Heights) carries the movie with poise.  I liked British actor Dan Stevens as a pompous, unlikable character from Queens. Pretty soon I can stop listing Kathryn Newton’s (Lisa Frankenstein, The Map of Tiny Perfect Things) filmography in parentheses. The scene with her dancing is a huge reason I’m recommending this as much as I am, and there’s a funny bit where she’s sent to the kitchen for garlic, and not knowing the difference, comes back with another vegetable – the one that makes you cry when you cut it. As the title character, Alisha Weir, who recently played Jessie Buckley’s daughter in Wicked Little Letters, has confidence, diction, and a long career ahead of her.

I talked about “replay value” in the movie I saw before this one – Steve Buscemi’s The Listener. Even though I liked it slightly better than Abigail, I’d probably rather see Abigail again than The Listener. Abigail, at least, knows exactly what it is, and never takes itself seriously. I believe a viewer’s intelligence is only insulted if the movie has characters do stupid stuff, AND plays it for real, without irony. In Abigail’s case, it’s like “Come on. We know this is ridiculous. Just have a little fun with us for an hour and 50 minutes.” And on that level, it’s a mild success, or I must have been in a silly mood.

Grade: B-