Unfrosted

Grade: C-

If Unfrosted had been a cartoon, that would have covered up a multitude of sins, and likely would have played better. The over-the-top, slapstick, madcap tone would have fit better with animation, so if a joke didn’t land (and almost none of them do), at least I’d have something nice to look at. I would have given it much more benefit of the doubt. Unfrosted is like if Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights had been live-action. I liked Eight Crazy Nights. They were smart to do that one as a cartoon.

One of the problems here is the casting of Jerry Seinfeld in a starring role. I enjoy his stand-up quite a bit, I didn’t mind him in his namesake sitcom, and he’s fine when he does voice-over work for something like Bee Movie – but a leading man in a live-action feature-length movie is not in his wheelhouse. He acts as well as I play football. The screenplay frequently comes to a clumsy, screeching halt to make room for one of his “bits.” “Why are we so preoccupied with GOING to the moon? It’s right there! It’ll always be there! Just look up if you wanna see it! Leave the moon alone!” Can’t you just hear his voice in your head when you read that? Aficionados of his “I’m Telling You For the Last Time” special will recognize at least one line from that one, recycled and forcefully shoehorned in. I’ve got two words for you: July 3rd.

Unfrosted is set in 1963. Don’t think too hard about the year some of the songs on the soundtrack came out. Most of the film is a flashback, Forrest Gump style. Seinfeld is sitting next to a boy eating Pop-Tarts at a diner, and takes it upon himself to regale the lad with the tale of how they came to be. He plays Bob Cabana, who works for Kellogg’s. They are in the midst of a fierce rivalry with fellow breakfast cereal giant Post. At least in the movie, their buildings are right next door to each other – perfect for a lame running gag involving looking out the window through binoculars at the other building, and sometimes catching someone from over there doing the same thing. What are they expecting to see?

Bob spots a couple of precocious pre-teen kids making routine visits to the Post dumpster. They are eating the fruity goo left over. This gives Bob the idea for the next big thing: a rectangle-shaped toastable pastry with a tiny bit of fruit flavor inside. They take forever to arrive at the name Pop-Tart, and in the meantime, the movie is filled with lots of filler from left field. For absolutely no reason I can think of, Bob appoints a “taste team” that includes a handful of famous figures from the 60s like Mr. Schwinn (the inventor of the bike), Chef Boyardee, and a large computer. Make sense? Didn’t think so.

The large cast includes Jim Gaffigan (who provided me with my only laugh, when he demonstrates how he talks to children), Amy Schumer, Melissa McCarthy, Hugh Grant, and these are just the names on the poster. There are tons of other familiar faces, for a distracting game of Spot the Star or Who Will Show Up Next. The already short running time is padded with outtakes and dancing during the end credits. A character makes a most apropos observation: “When you’re dealing with garbage, you have to let go of conventional expectation.” Let me just leave that there.

Grade: C-