Borderlands

Grade: D-

Borderlands sat in development hell for 3 years, before we sat in viewer hell now. It’s funny to think about how this was filmed in 2021, and the cast and crew would go on to do several significant projects since then. Jamie Lee Curtis won her first Oscar for 2022’s Everything Everywhere All at Once. In the same year, Cate Blanchett put on one of the best performances of her career with Tár. And last November, director Eli Roth started up a slasher franchise with the release of Thanksgiving. And during all this, they already had Borderlands under their belts.

It’s one of those movies that made me feel so empty and apathetic. It’s not funny. I didn’t like the action. There isn’t really anything when it comes to a soundtrack. Needle-drops in a movie can be a slippery slope, often coming off as a crutch – but it could have used a few Top Gun/St. Elmo’s Fire moments. At least we would have something to listen to.

It’s based on a video game, and is about as fun as watching someone else play one. The plot involves a Guardians of The Galaxy style team who is on a mission to rescue a girl, who can unlock a MacGuffin that apparently holds unimaginable power. Possessing CGI wings of fire is one of the perks.

Ariana Greenblatt (Sasha from Greta Gerwig’s Barbie) is the tough-as-nails young girl. Jack Black is the voice of a wise-cracking, unkillable metal appliance which is a bit of WALL•E, R2-D2, and Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, but I’m giving it too much credit. I frequently forgot Kevin Hart was in the movie. He shows up, disappears from time to time, then comes back to continue to be underutilized and uninteresting. I like his stand-up, but I’ve yet to see him find his stride on the silver screen. Jamie Lee Curtis has some nice moments; she’s said in interviews that she believes this character might be on the autism spectrum.

Which brings me to Cate Blanchett. Thank God for her. She’s great. My wife has a friend who, understandably, has gotten Jennifer Aniston comparisons. I wonder if she’s ever gotten Cate Blanchett. She has Blanchett’s mouth and teeth, and perhaps whole face, depending on the expression. I say this as a bit of social media experiment, to see if she reads this, or someone she knows will see it and how (or if) it will get to her. Honestly, I’d rather talk about that than Borderlands, a lugubriously dismal slog that might make a critic struggle to come up with a good closing line for their review.

Grade: D-