Moana 2

Grade: D

Moana 2, as we know it now, was originally planned to be a long-form limited streaming series for Disney+. It had been in development since its announcement early in the decade. In February 2024, they decided to repurpose it as a theatrical release. It reminds me of the journey David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive took. That was a movie initially meant to be an open-ended series, like his Twin Peaks. The comparisons stop there. Everything about Moana 2 screams “knockoff” and “straight to streaming.” It’s sloppily cobbled together for a turnaround of less than 9 months.

I had never seen Moana (2016), other than walking in on bits and pieces here and there.  I crammed it in the night before my Moana 2 showing, which means I saw both within 24 hours. It’s charming and sweet. Derivative, but part of the fun was playing the “Guess the Influence” game. The Oscar-nominated song “How Far I’ll Go” takes a chord progression that’s been used a million times before (1, 5, minor 6, 4), and makes it feel as if it’s my first time hearing it. I want to seek out the soundtrack. Moana 2, however, has the heavily-felt absence of composer Lin-Manuel Miranda. There’s not a note in any of these songs that I’d want to hear again.

The plot is busy, convoluted, hard to follow, and likely mashed together from several different episode ideas. The title character is once again called beyond the reef to do some more wayfinding. It doesn’t matter why. It’s a flimsy way to get her out there again, so she can reunite with Maui (Dwayne Johnson). The pronunciation of his name seems to fluctuate throughout the movie. Sometimes it rhymes with “blowy,” and other times it sounds like the island in Hawaii. A couple unrelated characters, out of nowhere, have Australian accents. In the stormy fight sequences, the score sounds like a cross between 1980s Saturday morning cartoons, and a workout video from that time period.

There is a mid-credits scene, which is a bit like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album. I suppose it’s setting up what would have been a future season, back when this was conceived as a series. As there is a live-action Moana in the works, set for a July 2026 release, I can’t imagine them continuing the sequel’s storyline anytime soon – nor should they. If I have succeeded in steering you clear of Moana 2, what can I say except “you’re welcome?”

Grade: D