Our Little Secret

Grade: C

Our Little Secret is the final film in a three-picture deal Lindsay Lohan had with Netflix. It started two years ago with Falling for Christmas, which didn’t break any new ground, but I enjoyed it for the Hallmarky lark it was. The bright colors, music, costumes, and locations are enough to put anyone in the holiday mood, and it was a pleasure to see Lohan again. Lightning didn’t quite strike twice with the St. Patrick’s Day themed Irish Wish, but I just barely recommended it. Now we arrive at Our Little Secret, a disappointing non-starter with an Idiot Plot. There’s not a single conflict that needed to happen.

I thought I would need a flow chart to keep the main situation straight, but screenwriter Hailey DeDominicis helpfully gives us siblings whose names begin with the same letter. Cam (Jon Rudnitsky, from Red One and Wish) and Cassie (Katie Baker) are brother and sister. They each bring home their partners to meet the family for the first time. They are Cassie’s boyfriend Logan (Ian Harding from Ford v Ferrari), and Cam’s girlfriend Avery (Lohan).

The twist: it turns out that Avery and Logan dated 10 years prior, and haven’t seen each other or spoken since their painful breakup. Our Little Secret opens in 2014, at the beginning of the end of the Avery/Logan relationship – and then the opening credits take us on a journey through time, chronicling several major events in the world from 2014 to now. 2020 is skipped over; I guess nothing significant happened that year. But hey! We hear all about the popularity of Stranger Things, Bridgerton, and Squid Game. Remind me what streaming service those are on?

I don’t know what the harm would have been in just saying “hey, we dated a decade ago.” Instead, unnecessarily, Avery and Logan decide to pretend not to know each other, and just get through these four days leading up to Christmas. The many scenes with just the two of them alone are problematic because we already know the truth, and they don’t have to fool anyone in those moments. I was hoping for at least some entertaining verbal battles of wits, a la Kate/Petruchio or Beatrice/Benedick, but their dialogue is uninteresting. Cam and Cassie are underdeveloped and have no chemistry with their respective loves. The supporting cast includes the likes of Tim Meadows and Kristin Chenoweth (nice to see her again so soon, hint hint), but unfortunately, everyone is treading water in a sea of sitcommy misunderstandings.

The climax is followed by the post-climax montage. You’ve seen one. A sentimental pop power ballad plays over shots from happier times, signifying that somebody blew a good thing. The resolution that comes after it has characters ending up with other characters like they just played Chinese Fire Drill, while others disappear without explanation. The movie bulldozes itself to Point B, without concern for clarifying how or why it arrives there. I started writing some of this before I finished watching – leaving it open to the possibility that Our Little Secret would pull itself together, and I might have to shift tone, and do one of those “despite all this” paragraphs. No revisions were necessary.

Grade: C