Bride Hard

Grade: D

Bride Hard tried hard. You’d almost feel bad for the movie if it didn’t think it was so cool. It has an unearned swagger about it. The inevitable happy ending has a dance party to a song that we hear, but there’s no way it could have been playing for the characters’ ears. I am hard-pressed to think of where it succeeds. It’s directed by Simon West, who did Con Air, The General’s Daughter, and the 2001 Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, with Angelina Jolie. He somehow manages to give us boring, lifeless, badly filmed action. It’s not any better as a comedy, either.

The title is an obvious play on words from Die Hard. It’s very forced, as the bride isn’t much of a character. It would more accurately be called Bridesmaid Hard, or Maid of Honor Hard. Rebel Wilson plays Sam, the maid of honor for her childhood best friend Betsy’s wedding. Nobody knows that Sam is a secret agent. They all think she’s being flaky by frequently disappearing without explanation, but really she’s running off to take care of a project. Her skills come in handy when a group of mercenaries (led by Stephen Dorff – I’d usually say “nice to see him again,” but..) swoop in on the wedding and take everyone hostage. They are after some gold that they know is stashed away. I thought films about eating the rich became dated a few years ago.

She should have been dead or in the ER by the halfway point, but Wilson looks great and is a talented comedic actor, as are several others in the cast. Rather than enjoy them here, instead I wanted to see them all in something better. As someone who doesn’t have a trained eye for what is good or bad green screen, I can say this is some of the sloppiest green screen I’ve ever seen. 

Sam and Betsy have a heart-to-heart moments before the wedding. It’s one of those “are you sure you want to marry this guy?” conversations. Betsy tries to dismiss it, but we can see in her eyes that there’s something to it. The fiancé has a cheesy Ned Flandersish quality. I wondered about their connection, and thought this was a plot point that would be revisited later. But no, it’s set up without a resolution.

Every possible opportunity for a one-liner is contrivedly shoehorned in. Nobody is ever too injured, scared, in danger, or traumatized to throw in some wit. They are having much more fun than we are. There’s no sense of occasion. Bride Hard is a pathetically silly catered affair that dances to a song not really playing.

Grade: D