Kiss of the Spider Woman

Grade: C

The problem with Kiss of the Spider Woman most definitely isn’t the acting, nor is it the directing. Bill Condon worked on The Greatest Showman and Chicago, which makes him an appropriate fit to be the man behind the camera on this film. It looks great. I was frequently struck by the cinematography, sets, lighting, and costumes. The elements deserving praise need to get lots of it, and when it lags or falls flat – which, unfortunately, is most of the time – it really gets bogged down.

This is a movie version of the Best Musical Tony winning Broadway show, which is based on the 1985 film with William Hurt and Raul Julia, which is based on a book. It’s Argentina in 1983, and it begins with us meeting an Odd Couple of prisoners. The flamboyant Luis, recently convicted of public indecency, is brought in to share a cell with political prisoner Valentín. Throughout the movie, Luis recounts the story of his favorite movie, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Princess Bride style. As he tells it, we are regaled with it as well, filmed like an old-timey Hollywood musical.

I checked out for much of the KOTSW sequences – and come to think of it, I also did for the portions taking place in the prison, when it gets into talky revolution period drama territory. It, however, was the better part, and I wish the Broadway script had consisted of some songs in this storyline, as opposed to all the musical bits being limited to the story within. I’m not sure if, or how much, this would have improved it, but something needed to give, and I wasn’t that interested in what we got.

The two men in the prison double as characters in the movie within the movie. The three lead actors play seven different roles between them. All are fabulous. As Luis and Kendall, 30-year-old Tonatiuh brings energy, ebullience, and a sweet tenor voice. Diego Luna impressed me with his transformation. As prisoner Valintín, he looks like a scraggly Paul McCartney during the recording of Let it Be – then, cleaned up and mustachioed, his Armando looks like a fusion of Edward Norton and Chris Cooper. As Aurora, Ingrid Luna, and the title character, Jennifer Lopez is perfect for a movie musical like this. Her decades of concert performing experience – which includes lots of dancing and costume changes amidst all the singing – has prepared and qualified her for this kind of project. All three can and do sell a number – especially her.

I didn’t dislike any of the songs, but I don’t remember a single one now – nor are there any that I need to hear again. I kept wanting to walk away loving at least one of them, and I just didn’t. However, you don’t have to love a song to think highly of a number, and there are some tremendous ones. The production and presentation of a couple of them are excellent in every way (except for the music). Otherwise, Kiss of the Spider Woman is boring and disappointing with flat music. The three leads and the visuals are pretty top-notch, though. I am rating the movie as high as I am because of them.

Grade: C