If I Had Legs I’d Kick You

Grade: B

The leading lady in If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is given a character name, according to the internet, but I don’t remember hearing it in the movie. She has a young daughter, who I would guess is under 10. We don’t see her face until the last few shots. Her husband is gone for up to a month at a time on business. We hear him in phone conversations throughout the film, but we don’t see him until there’s less than 20 minutes to go. He’s played by an actor I’ve always enjoyed very much. He is appealing and effective in his couple of scenes. You might already know who it is, and you can look it up if you want, but I’m glad I didn’t know.

Rose Byrne (Ezra, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, Spirited) stars as the largely, if not completely unnamed wife and mother. The husband, as I said, is away most of the time. It falls on the mother to take care of the little girl, whose name is never mentioned, and is listed as “Child” in the IMDb cast list. The daughter has an unspecified medical ailment; whatever it is involves a tube, and a machine that beeps. That is one of several annoying sound effects that is meant to grate on your nerves, that we hear off-and-on throughout the movie.

A massive water leak, leaving a gaping hole in their home, has the mother and child needing to stay at a hotel for the time being. The little girl isn’t eating as much as she should, and must meet a weight minimum by a certain date, or else the doctor’s office will be forced to reevaluate and explore other care options. The mother juggles all of this with her job. She’s a therapist, and also regularly goes to see a therapist (Conan O’Brien, doing a great job navigating an unusual dramatic role for him). Their practices are in the same building.

The woman has recurring nightmares and surreal visions – the kind that include weird glowing lights. I didn’t care for this piece, and the movie would have been fine without it. It never amounts to much. Writer/director Mary Bronstein – who is also in it, as a doctor, constantly reminding the mother about the weight deadline and other appointments – is effective in the way she keeps the film’s tense tone on that high wire. The husband appears to be having it so easy, as he gets to go away and not deal with this. Encounters with the same parking lot security guard repeatedly occur. He tells her she can’t park there, then she is sitting in her car too long, and on and on. She can’t win with him. She can’t sleep nights, there is never enough wine, and the clerks at the hotel’s general store are certainly noticing her frequent trips there to purchase alcohol in the middle of the night. The hole at home brings about an unfortunate outcome for someone who visits.

Rose Byrne gives one of the best performances of the year, making us feel overwhelmed along with her. The movie is an absorbing dumpster fire or traffic accident that you can’t stop watching. I was ready to have a bad taste in my mouth if the ending went where it seemed to be going. It would have made all of what we saw before futile and a moot point. However, it ends on a note of hope, however long the road to it may be. There will certainly be messes to clean up and serious talks to be had. The last spoken line puts a poignant period on it all. I hope she makes good on it.

Grade: B