Melania

Grade: C-

I’m making my way through the Charlie Sheen docuseries (“aka Charlie Sheen”) on Netflix. I was disappointed to have to step away from it, and would have devoured the whole thing in one sitting if circumstances allowed. It has everything Melania doesn’t have: peaks and valleys, tension and release, forward momentum, etc. It’s exciting, and I’m looking forward to getting back to it. That signifies to me that the problem, obviously, isn’t the genre. It’s possible for me to be entertained by a documentary. Melania, the film, ain’t it.

It’s a couple of weeks in the life of our First Lady of the United States, leading up to the inauguration in January of 2025. She tries on clothes, talks to tailors, walks around, gets in limos, gets on planes, approves menus/gala invitations…not exactly a barrel of excitement. The Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.” – of course – is a needle drop, but otherwise, the soundtrack is largely soft, mellow classical music. She must have a more interesting life than what’s portrayed here. However you feel politically, this documentary is dull as dishwater. If I saw one about Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama that was like this, I’d be saying the same thing.

I will admit, in a guilty pleasure kind of way, that it finally comes to life a tiny bit when you-know-who shows up. His first “appearance” is when we hear his voice in a phone conversation between him and Melania on election night, 2024. He asks her if she watched any of it, and when she says no, he’s all like “Aw man, you really shoulda watched it” – and then dives into a mini monologue about how well he did. No “how are you doing, how was your day” etc. He makes it all about himself. Who am I to throw stones? I’ve been guilty of doing that. In all fairness, he does show love and compassion towards his wife in other scenes. Fans of his notorious isms get some red meat, like when he thanks the hospitality staff at some lodging place or another, and he promises to bring people there. “I’m gonna bring you business like ya wouldn’t believe. Big tippers, like me.” Did you hear his voice in your head when you read that?

I usually don’t talk about the audiences at these showings. Here, they looked like me, but not in age. They made me feel young. Frustration with all the trailers and ads beforehand was audibly expressed. Far from a new thing. There was applause when it was over. Other than the time I saw A Hard Day’s Night in the theater, I don’t participate in that. Who is it for? Nobody who worked on the movie is there.

I’ll end with some positivity. Though sitting through it is like waiting for water to boil, there’s some nice camera work overseen by director Brett Ratner (the Rush Hour movies, Money Talks, The Family Man, Red Dragon). I’m impressed that they got him for this project. I appreciated that it didn’t get political or take pot shots at the other side. Tone-wise, it’s handled diplomatically. My biggest issue is how much of a non-event the majority of it is. A Reddit user put it best when they said that if Abraham Lincoln were to see it, he’d call it the worst experience he ever had in a theater. I really don’t recommend it, but it’s already not the worst movie I’ve seen this year. They can use that as a blurb.

Grade: C-