F*ck Valentine’s Day

Grade: C-

The main characters in F*ck Valentine’s Day are constantly lying. There are whole scenes where they tap-dance stories to each other on the spot. As a viewer, it’s frustrating to see so much deception when we already know the real truth. The one I really didn’t understand was when our leading lady tells someone it’s 11:23, when we just saw her phone screen show 11:36. I wish F*ck Valentine’s Day HAD been 13 minutes shorter.

The heroine, played by Virginia Gardner, is named Gina, presumably so that people can constantly pronounce it a different way, to give her a hard time. She has long had a hate relationship with February 14th, which is also her birthday. Her dad passed about 15 years ago. We could have heard about this plot point somewhere in her opening narration, but the circumstances surrounding it are saved for a sappy reveal later.

It’s another solo Birthentine’s Day of eating pizza at the apartment while watching a reality show called Fiancé Factor (my one and only laugh). Her mom (Marisa Tomei), who lives in Greece, has gifted her a plane ticket and a $5000 voucher for a nearby resort. She looks at it too quickly, and thinking it was just for $50, gives it as a tip to the pizza delivery guy, Johnny (a nice single guy about her age), because she’s out of cash.

Every title card that indicates the passage of time begins with “and.” “And 350 days later.” “And a year after that.” Almost a year after the opening scenes, Gina is in a serious relationship with Andrew, who convinces her to go to Greece with him and finally meet her mother. Gina’s about to turn 30, and Andrew is planning on popping the question on the big day. As Gina historically hates Valentine’s Day, she will desperately attempt to stall the proposal until at least midnight on the 15th. The $5000 voucher subplot comes back into play when, lo and behold, Johnny is there at the same resort at the same time.

I just reviewed another Gardner-led movie 2 1/2 weeks ago. It’s a bit like trying to determine which turd smells better, but I did like F*ck Valentine’s Day more than Killer Whale. At least this plot was more eventful. I enjoyed a few locations, the lighting, the sets, and establishing shots. The soundtrack is packed with a high quantity of songs. I’d never heard a single one, and don’t need to again, but who knows? Maybe there’s a subset of young viewers who eat all this music up, and will revere this soundtrack as their own American Graffiti, Forrest Gump, or Dirty Dancing.

The cast commits – I’ll give them that. It’s nice to see Tomei and especially Gardner again. The often scene-stealing Lil Rel Howery is given the token/sidekick treatment. He plays the husband of Gardner’s neighbor and good friend. There’s a scene where Howery is given instructions over the phone on how to administer medication to Gina and Andrew’s ill tortoise that they’re babysitting. Giving the pill orally wasn’t working, so he has to try the back door, he’s told. It ends with the tortoise clenching up on Howery’s finger, followed by him flailing around and cussing for a few minutes. Since the pet wasn’t really sick, and this was all just a distraction for Andrew that Gina created, there was absolutely no reason for them to do it for real. A simple “Done! He’s feeling better already” would have sufficed.

All the truths come out, finally, in a climactic scene taking place, for some reason, downstairs in one of the common areas of the resort. Everyone is in their underwear, and at least two of them have vomit on them. Nobody put on clothes or showered off before deciding to continue the scene in a location with plenty of extras. They yell at each other, and share incredibly intimate details out in public for several minutes. In my free time, I like to go down a YouTube rabbit hole, binge-watching police body cam videos of DUIs, other traffic stops, people shoplifting, domestic/public disturbances, and the like. I’ve seen enough of them to know that this would have been shut down by police in less than a minute, with – at best – a “Ok, we’re done here. Settle down or take it outside.”

The movie ends with a double wedding involving the four main players. No points for guessing the date. They are friends again, having laughed everything off by this point. They even make jokes/callbacks about their past conflicts. The invitees consist of every single minor character (humans and animals) who provided a one-liner throughout the film, except for maybe the mugger. Don’t get me started on the attempted mugging scene – during which, I felt like I was watching a Tommy Wiseau project. Finally, Gina is able to embrace Valentine’s Day, having had a good one at last. If you’re planning on seeing this, I’m sorry to have spoiled so much.

And the grade: C-