The Super Mario Galaxy Movie

Grade: D

It’s the 40th anniversary of Super Mario Bros. I don’t think I was playing it in 1986, but I did get a Nintendo as an Easter present in 1989. The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, out on Easter weekend, signifies a personal anniversary for me. If you are seeing it for the nostalgia factor because you played the game, best wishes. May your mileage vary, for the better, from mine. If you are considering seeing it because you have a child/grandchild who wants to go, let me remind you that Hoppers is still in theaters.

I never won the original game. I’ll never forget the numbers 8-4, which is the level at which you save the princess, or die trying. It’s hung over my head, like the Level of Damocles, for 37 years. Galaxy Movie opens with Princess Rosalina reading a bedtime story to the Lumas, a swarm of colorful, adorable stars that are her adoptive children. The narrative is confusingly problematic, as these supposed fictional nightly stories are about characters and events that exist and have happened, or will. Long story not short enough, the princess is kidnapped by Bowser Jr, and it’s up to a couple of Italian mustachioed twin brother plumbers to save her.

What did I like? There are inspired, inventive visuals in a sequence set in a casino, where there’s gravity on the floor, ceiling, and all four walls. Creatures stand, and can move to and from all six sides. I liked the montage that had Mario and Luigi conquering a few levels one by one, and putting a flag there when they were done. I enjoyed the musical homages to the now iconic, recognizable themes from the game. They were prevalent without being too on-the-nose or in your face. I liked Bowser’s world. I want to live there.

What did I dislike? Just about everything else. It simultaneously manages to be both dull and overly busy. The voice talent – which includes Brie Larson, Anya Taylor-Joy, Bennie Safdie, Charlie Day, Chris Pratt, Donald Glover, Keegan-Michael Key, Jack Black, Glen Powell, and Luis Guzmán – is wasted. My benefit of the doubt brought me to the movie, but I mainly just wasn’t on board with the concept. The OG game is perfect as is. We don’t need additions to the Mona Lisa.

I got as much out of The Super Mario Galaxy Movie as I would have if it was playing in the background during a crowded family reunion – with people coming in and out of the living room, half-listening at best. It’s all over the theaters right now, with a showing every 5 minutes or so. It will make a gazillion dollars this weekend. It will go in one ear and out the other, never artistically reaching 8-4.

Grade: D