Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald

Grade: D

JK Rowling has warned…excuse me, told us that there will be a total of 5 Fantastic Beasts movies. I wouldn’t mind there being 7 or 8 instead, if it meant that each was a half hour shorter. The second one is out, and give me a moment to go look up the title on IMDb for the 3rd or 4th time tonight. I’m back. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is equally as interminable, esoteric, and overblown as its predecessor from 2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. If you are not already a fan of the Harry Potter universe, this will not convert you.

Let’s start with the protagonist’s surname. Scamander. I strongly dislike it, because every utterance of it when it follows the Mister title sounds all the world to me like Mistress Commander. It is distracting, and makes me internally snigger like a teenager. Johnny Depp can be a gifted actor when he doesn’t Depp his way through a role. In Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Whoever, we get the weird, quiet, whisper-acted, Burtonized Johnny Depp, who has wild Albert Einstein hair and looks like he just rolled around in some flour.

What did I like? The visuals are very well done once again. Eddie Redmayne, Jude Law, Katherine Waterston, and especially Dan Fogler are a treat to see. Thank God for Fogler. His endearing mustachioed nervousness carries the movie, and if there is ever a Guys and Dolls remake, I dare you to find a better Nathan Detroit.

At tonight’s showing, the man next to me had fallen asleep and was snoring. I don’t blame him. It reminded me of the fun fact that the last time I heard a snoring fellow moviegoer was on December 25, 1999 at The Talented Mr. Ripley, which also features Jude Law. Will I continue to encounter a snoring audience member at a Jude Law film once every 19 years?

The ingredients are there to make something worthwhile here. It just hasn’t happened yet. I will give Mistress Commander another chance with the next one.

Grade: D