Dune

Grade: D

Dane Cook has an old bit from his stand-up act about drinking Nestle Quik. No matter how hard or long you stir, you’re bound to have at least one chunk of powder float up and explode like a sand missile. “The movie Dune is in my chocolatey drink! I don’t like it when the movie Dune is in my drink.” In honor of this bit, while watching the 2021 remake of Dune, I drank a Yoo-Hoo. Closest thing to Nesquik we had in the house. I liked it better than the movie.

I have seen every film in the Academy Awards Best Picture, Director, and acting categories (before the ceremony) since 2013. I am hearing that Dune (2021) has strong potential to be a Best Picture nominee, as this year’s token action flick that gets a Picture and maybe Director nod, and dominates in the technical categories – while not getting any acting nominations, nor should it. This is why I felt a need to see it, as part of my head start. Officially – or at least originally – called Dune: Part One, with Dune: Part Two to be released in the fall of 2023. This had better get a major Oscar nom, because if it doesn’t, then I could have gone without seeing it. And just enjoyed the Yoo-Hoo.

I have not felt this apathetic about a movie since…I gotta go back to Darkest Hour in 2018. I just didn’t care, continued to not care, and didn’t care more and more. If you are wondering if it’s possible for your indifference to increase throughout the course of a film, the answer is yes.

Dune is one of those stories that takes place in a distant future where everyone is sullen, solemn, downtrodden, serious, intense, brooding, and joyless. Characters rarely crack a smile. We don’t know their jobs, hobbies, hopes, dreams, or what makes them tick. They are hollow vessels to advance the plot. It does not sell me on how great the future’s going to be. Just once, can’t we have a fun Friends/Sex and the City type movie/show that takes place in a year with 5 digits, where everything’s poppin’?

All these characters care about is going to another planet, maybe taking over it, or at least getting some of what’s called “spice,” which is essential for their livelihood. And lots of fighting, and flying around in planes with propellers that look like hummingbirds’ wings. I did think they were cool. The movie looks and sounds good. There are no cheap special effects. There are numerous fine actors in the film, not that it matters, as literally anyone else plugged into these roles would be just as adequate. Timothee Chalamet (from Don’t Look Up, Call Me By Your Name, Lady Bird, and Little Women), a great actor, is bland as our lead. Javier Bardem is wasted and underutilized. Jason Momoa perpetually looks down with his head and up with his eyes, like a Stanley Kubrick establishing shot. Stellan Skarsgård’s villain is a hybrid of Jabba the Hutt and Marlon Brando from Apocalypse Now – and he’ll sometimes levitate a few feet for no reason.

The passive voice often shows up in the dialogue, with lines like “Breathe out, and you fill the air with poison. It will be your last breath.” That’s not a helpful way of saying it. Beginning with “breathe out” makes it sound like an instruction, when you should instead say “don’t breathe out” etc. Characters run in a straight line away from a person or creature chasing them, and it never occurs to anyone to try spreading out or suddenly running in a different direction. You know what I hope for? Dune: Part Two not getting any Oscar buzz.

Grade: D