Grade: C+
Remember all those movies that came out in the second half of the 1990s that palpably wanted to be the next Pulp Fiction? Bullet Train, out in theaters now, feels like one of those piggybackers. Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill films were an homage to martial arts movies. Bullet Train owes a huge debt to Kill Bill. We’re getting down to a copy of a copy at this point.
I wanted to love Bullet Train. There were times when I was planning to recommend it. It contains funny bits that become dark when juxtaposed with the action and over-the-top violence, some of which is well-choreographed and fun. Taking place in Tokyo and surrounding areas, the cinematography and colors are candy for the eyes. The movie throws so much at us and tries so hard. I thought maybe they’d pull it together and send it out with a triumphant flourish – but by the end, the welcome was overstayed for me. It’s too long by at least 15 minutes, and devolves into silliness when characters survive too much.
The plot involves a handful of assassins who board a fast-moving train, and find out their missions have something in common. Of course they do. It involves a briefcase. It ultimately doesn’t matter what’s in it – as Tarantino was smart enough to know when he made Pulp Fiction. It’s just a MacGuffin: an object, device, or event that is necessary to the plot and the motivation of the characters, but insignificant, unimportant, or irrelevant in itself.
The characters have names like Ladybug, Prince, Tangerine, Lemon, The Elder, and White Death. They are individually introduced quite ceremoniously, with their name displayed on the screen in both English and Japanese accompanied by a fierce still shot of them. Sometimes we get flashbacks to their backstories, or how some of them might have interacted in the past.
Everybody is a Chatty Cathy who talks and muses and rants and raves and monologues like crazy, even while having a gun pointed at them or pointing one. One character has a fixation with letting everyone know which train from Thomas the Tank Engine they remind him of. The casting is solid from the familiar faces, to the unknowns, to the surprise cameos. Brad Pitt seems to have the most screentime as Ladybug, who spends at least 50% of the movie talking on the phone with his boss, who turns out to be Sandra Bullock. Pitt is a master at playing the cool, unfazed character who likes to drop sarcasm and darkly-timed jokes in the midst of dangerous situations. It’s his scene near the end of Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood stretched out to a whole film, and admittedly I enjoyed it. 23-year-old actress Joey King, as Prince, holds her own among these older movie legends, and is someone to keep an eye on. The always welcome Michael Shannon rounds out the cast as a Russian villain, looking like he should play Johnny in a The Room remake.
When all is said and done, Bullet Train is too much of a good thing that’s been recycled many times before, with nothing fresh to bring to the table. One of my favorite bits of dialogue perfectly describes the experience.
“Let me tell you a story…”
“Nah, I’m good.”
Grade: C+
Film Reviews by Mark 
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