Wonka

Grade: C+

Not to pat myself on the back too much, but in early 2018 when I wrote about The Greatest Showman, I observed that Hugh Jackman would be a perfect Harold Hill in The Music Man, should there ever be a remake. A few years later, Jackman played the role on Broadway for a year, in a revival. I’ll take credit for calling that. Watching Wonka, a light bulb went off above my head about how ideal Timothée Chalamet would be as Professor Harold Hill, when he gets old enough. He has boundlessly expressive eyes, a persuasive charming charisma about him, and would give that con artist traveling salesman character a certain sweetness and humanity, if he ever gets the opportunity. As for Wonka, I wouldn’t rush out to purchase a golden ticket for it, but he makes it work as well as it does.

This is an origin story, that details the trials and tribulations of young Willy Wonka, arriving to a city by boat. He has practically nothing, except for big dreams of opening up a chocolate shop. The only place he can afford to stay is a laundry owned by Mrs. Scrubitt (Olivia Colman, giving me major Madame Thenardier from Les Misérables vibes). He thinks it’s a good deal, and signs the contract without reading the pages of fine print. He can’t, because he is illiterate. Unable to pay the hidden fees he was unaware of, he is banished to the basement to work it off, which will take about 27 years.

Down there, he meets the handful of people who are in the same boat, so to speak – including an orphan known as Noodle (Calah Lane from This Is Us). He’s a pretty slick magician, but apparently his magic can’t solve pesky problems like how to escape the laundry, or make money quickly. In a scene late at night, where they have to be quiet, inconspicuous, and surreptitious, they – of course – sing a loud musical number that takes them all through the town, including the tops of buildings. Reminds me of Tony and Maria, the forbidden lovers in West Side Story, secretly meeting up against everyone’s wishes. They shouldn’t wake anyone, so what do they do? Belt out “Tonight.”

Yes, Wonka is a musical. I’ve heard worse, and I’ve heard better. None of the songs enhance anything, move the action forward, or give us new information. Chalamet’s voice doesn’t sound like he’s had formal training, but it has a lovely quality and he can carry a tune – as can Hugh Grant, as a curmudgeonly Oompa Loompa. Grant is woefully underused here, but does get to sing his famous namesake tune, which – along with “Pure Imagination” – is carried over from the 1971 movie, as a courtesy.

Production values are strong. This is a great movie to look at. But too many other elements fall flat. All flashbacks cut to the same grainy filmstrip-type effect. Of the cartoonish villains, one is a chronic overexplainer. It’s not funny the first time, and the gag repeats itself and repeats itself and repeats itself. We know Willy will open up his chocolate factory by the end, by which point the townspeople must have all forgiven and forgotten about the accidental mass poisoning incident from halfway through the movie. Several blanks are not satisfactorily filled in to get us from point A to the eventual point B.

I was never an enormous fan of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory story, and as a kid, I was slightly traumatized by the 1971 Gene Wilder film – due to the girl inflating into a giant blueberry, and other parts I’ve blocked out. I have never loved chocolate. I prefer fruity candy. Give me Skittles, Starburst, Spree, Runts, Sweet Tarts, and especially Gobstoppers any day. This new Wonka did not sell me on chocolate. Disappointingly, it’s empty calories.

Grade: C+