Not Another Church Movie

Grade: F

I wanted to begin this review by saying “Okay – what the hell did I just watch?” – but I’m trying very hard not to lead with the word “okay.” That’s amateur hour stuff. I haven’t done that in 24 years. This is my way around that. However, had I done that, it would have been consistent with the quality of thought, competence, and sense of art that went into Not Another Church Movie – the most brainless, pointless, dim-witted film I have seen in years. I am working towards a goal of covering at least 150 new releases this year. If I could communicate with myself from a few hours ago, I’d tell him “You should seriously skip Not Another Church Movie, and be happy with 149 if it comes to that.”

Let me state two bits of information right off the bat:

1. This was not screened for critics.

and

2. I was 33.3% of the audience at my showing. Within 20 minutes, I became 100%.

The film reinforces that in satire and parody, it’s not funny just to have characters with similar names to well-known people or characters, played by actors who look and behave like them. They also need to be doing something funny. Not Another Church Movie features a daytime talk show host named Hoprah Windfall (please, my sides can’t take this much laughter). There’s a bald-headed mustachioed psychologist on the show: Dr. Bill. Our main character is a filmmaker known as Taylor Pherry. The actor playing Taylor also doubles (obviously in drag) as a sassy old woman named MaDude Himms.

There is something of a plot. God calls on Taylor Pherry to be Hoprah’s successor, or write a movie that empowers somebody, or something. We get so far removed from the so-called premise, as Not Another Church Movie piles on character after character, with what plays like sketch comedy vignettes in the style of a never ending feature length trailer. There’s a scene where someone is thrown out of a second story window. It’s so obviously a dummy in that one shot, then we cut to the dummy…excuse me, actor in the pool treading water. It’s all a disaster. There is not a single sincere or believable moment. Jamie Foxx plays God, and Mickey Rourke – whose scenes were probably all filmed in front of a green screen, and likely took a day or less to shoot, at his convenience – is the Devil. They are barely in the movie.

The Human Centipede 2 was one of the grossest, most offensive movies I’ve ever seen. Its main character likes to masturbate with sandpaper, which I would rather do than ever see The Human Centipede 2 again…but, I graced it with a D- instead of the F. There were some sounds of farting and diarrhea that gave me a chuckle, and prevented me from flunking it. In Not Another Church Movie, MaDude’s husband does his share of colon bowlin’. Alas, I report that not even flatulence can save it. I have thrown in the towel; you can no longer fart your way out of an F.

There are a few incredible movies in theaters now – I’ll once again point you to The Fall Guy, Challengers, and Civil War. Or you can stay home and stream The Idea of You or The Last Stop in Yuma County. Or watching a blank screen for an hour and a half would be an improvement over Not Another Church Movie. I have an idea: how about a Not Another Not Another Movie?

Grade: F